Ask Tim.
This site is the goal for all seekers of infinite wisdom. Since the times of the ancient ones, animals have been worshiped for their great powers of intellect. In today's modern society, the phenomenal intelligence of the animals has virtually been forgotten. Virtually, but not quite. You, my friend, have discovered the insightful genius that is......
Uncle Tim
Tim offers some sound advice to Candy
Are you ready to embark on the long but worthwhile journey to enlightenment?
Uncle Tim. I know that you lead an energetic life as is fit for a border collie in the prime of his life. I have been told by a friend of mine that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life in humans. Please tell me, is this true? Confused, Essex.
My friend. Your friend has been misinformed. Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that is it. Do not waste them on exercise. Everything must wear out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that is like saying that the life of your car can be prolonged by driving it faster. If, my friend, you wish to extend your life, I can give you but one piece of advice. TAKE A NAP!
Uncle Tim. Everywhere I go, people seem to be on diets. They are cutting down on meat, and eating more fruit and vegetables. Everyone is doing it, and I am wondering, should I join them in this almost-vegetarian regime? Please help. Worried, South Wales.
My child, to understand how you should be eating, you must first try to grasp logistical efficiencies. Take a meat, for example, beef. What is beef? Simply a cow. And what do they eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. A steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. If you need grain, eating chicken will suffice. Beef is also a good source of field grass (a green leafy vegetable) and a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. If you need more convincing, look at me. My diet is all meat. Would you say that I am unhealthy?
Uncle Tim. I tend to indulge myself regularly in a bottle of wine between myself and my partner at the occasional mealtime, and often have half a pint of beer when in the pub. I have heard that this is wrong! Tell me, are wine and beer bad for me? Troubled, Glasgow.
This follows on from the previous question, and my earlier point about fruit and vegetables. As you should know, scientists can divide everything in the world into three categories; animal, vegetable and mineral. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that leaves one thing, yes? My advice: Make the most of nature's scheme to help you enjoy ingesting your liquid intake and your vegetable goodness in one go.
If you have a question that Uncle Tim could answer, or a problem that he could help you with, please email them to Kathy, and she will see that he receives them. But please remember, Uncle Tim is a working sheepdog, and my not have time to answer all your queries. Thank you.
Disclaimer: Uncle Tim takes full credit for all improvements in your life commencing as of your visit to this website and continuing for a reasonable period of time thereafter or until hell freezes over, whichever is longer. Uncle Tim accepts no blame for any trouble you, the reader, might get into because of same, including but not limited to: grounding, detention, expulsion from school, loss of job, disfiguring hunting accidents, imprisonment, and the death penalty. You have now been duly warned.